Nothing is certain except death and taxes.

And workplace conflict.

“There is no such thing as a conflict-free team, and you don’t want a conflict-free team,” explained Amy Gallo, author of the HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict (Harvard Business Review Press, 2017). That’s because conflict isn’t necessarily a bad thing! Conflict is simply tension between two or more people. Healthy conflict is an opportunity to strengthen relationships and explore innovation.

Just to be clear, some conflict is toxic, period. Nip it in the bud. Don’t allow inappropriate behaviors: discrimination, racism, harassment, or anything done intentionally to intimidate or perpetuate negative stereotypes that undermine someone’s authority or credibility.

It’s possible that some forms of micro-aggression are unintentional. In this case, it’s important to have honest, clear communication with the people involved for the purpose of awareness. Identify steps they can take to modify their behavior to maintain a safe space for your workers.

Having said that, conflict often occurs when there’s a breakdown in communication or emotions get involved in decision making.

1. Conflicts can be good, bad, or neutral.

It’s possible to experience positive resolution in ALL these scenarios.

Good conflict happens in brainstorming, figuring out how work is done most effectively, defining the goal of a project or how a team measures success. The solution will be a win/win.

Bad conflict occurs when teams struggle over limited resources or conflicting deadlines. The tension is that someone might end up worse off with the resolution.

Most conflict is neutral- there’s a difference of opinion in an area where there’s no clear right or wrong answer. This involves work styles (that co-worker that consistently waits until the last minute to turn in a report) and personality issues (when an introvert shares a desk with an external processor.)

2. The outcome will depend on how the conflict is handled.

This is no shocker. When conflicts are approached badly, there’s going to be a bad outcome. The biggest culprits:

            Gossip. When someone starts talking about the person they’re mad at, instead of with that person. This is a sure-fire way for facts to get mixed up and things to get personal- and bystanders are pressured to take sides. There’s a difference between what is right, and who is right. Healthy conflict resolution determines what is right. Leave the personalities out of the equation.

            Shifting blame. Sometimes we just hate to admit we’re wrong. This can also happen in a business culture where bad things happen when mistakes are admitted. The easiest way to avoid this scenario it to establish a culture of grace. Any mistake is an opportunity to learn and grow.

            Not acting your age. Adulting jokes aside, there’s a reason why mature conduct is expected in the workplace. Unfortunately, stress can bring out our worst: losing our temper and saying things we regret. We’ve all been there. We just can’t let our guard down when we’re in a conflict. If it sounds like something you’d hear on a playground, don’t say it. Including but not limited to: She made me do it! He started it! Everybody else is doing it! You get the idea. Adults hold themselves accountable to their words and actions.

3. Because conflict is a matter of when, we can preempt the clashes, to encourage healthy outcomes.

Create a business culture where all voices are heard and respected. All opinions are considered. Differences of opinion lead to growth and innovation. You’re giving the green light for your workers to share unpopular, unconventional, and underrepresented ideas.

If your workers keep their ideas to themselves because they don’t want to ruffle feathers, it’s your company’s kiss of death. This is especially something to be sensitive to when someone automatically associates conflict with ‘bad’. You’ve brought them on board because they’re bringing valuable insight. They deserve to be heard! You’ve got their back.

Establish healthy communication channels to raise questions and pursue clarification. Put systems in place to address conflict- so misunderstandings can be quickly cleared up.

State expectations to minimize misunderstanding.

Model the behavior you want to see.

Celebrate successes- call attention to the things that are going right.

When there’s a conflict, responses can range from avoiding to attacking. Extremes aren’t healthy.

Before avoiding, a reasonable question to ask is, what is to be gained by raising this issue? If you choose to let it go, this isn’t avoiding- it’s applying wisdom to the situation.

Before attacking, consider whether you’re in the headspace to appropriately handle a conflict. It may be a good idea to bring in a neutral third party.

4. When all parties involved approach conflict with the common goal to resolve it, set the ground rules.

Consider the timing. It’s a good idea to deal with conflict as soon as possible. But right after an intense meeting, or before everybody’s ready to go home, may not be the best time for working through a conflict. People may need space to cool off, so they can think more clearly and process emotions.

Listen. Seek first to understand, and then to be understood. Ask good questions and repeat back what you heard.

Use “I” statements. Speak for self.

Believe the best. Assume that the outcome will work out for the good of everybody involved. Everybody is ready to find common ground and compromise.

5. Conflict resolution models offer a straightforward way to work through issues.

It’s taught to all employees, to put everybody on the same page. It’s a healthy and respectful way to approach conflict and it can save a lot of time and tears.

1. Identify the issue. This is no time to globalize. Address one thing at a time.
2. What are the facts? This is the sensory data- nobody could dispute.
3. What do you think about it?
4. How do you feel about it? It can be harder than we think to identify emotions- especially when we know that we ‘shouldn’t’ be angry, or we think we’re being soft if our feelings are hurt. The reality is- when we don’t acknowledge the feelings involved, there’s a possibility that bad blood will simmer. It’s a step in the direction of self-awareness. If emotions weren’t involved, there wouldn’t be a conflict.
5. What do you want to do about it? This is the resolution part, and it requires the cooperation of the other party.
6. In the future, how do you want things to be different? This is expressing confidence that things will get better because you took the time to work through it.

President Ronald Reagan said, “Peace is not the absence of conflict, is it the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.” In other words, If you can’t handle conflict, you can’t lead. The sooner we embrace conflict, the more effectively we lead.

Photo by Afif Ramdhasuma on Unsplash